A couple of nights ago, I watched the film Time Machine, based on the original book by H.G.Wells.

I’ve never read the book so I can’t comment on it, but watching the film I couldn’t help but think, “this dude really hasn’t made the best use of a time machine”. Upon further thinking, I realized that I wouldn’t really know what to do if I had one either. Seeing as an actual time traveler from 2036 said that time travel was invented in 2012, along with the world ending and all sorts of other crazy shit, I didn’t waste any time in planning what to do.

1. Get a past version of me to think of something good

Why waste precious time-machine-having-time standing around thinking about what to do with it, when I can get a past version of me to do the hard graft?

So, first stop would be 1997, when I’m about 10. Tell myself to drop out of school, stop talking to people (unless it’s Jesus or someone equally important), and spend my whole life thinking of cool stuff to do with a time machine. And possibly to join a cult — they sound like fun.

2. Kill my grandfather

Ok, now this may sound a bit crazy, but I have my motives. I’d go back to before my grandmother met my grandfather and kill my grandfather, in order to stop me ever being born so that I couldn’t go back in time to kill my grandfather. Thus, my grandfather would not be killed and I’d eventually be born.

Of course, this raises a multitude of pseudo-scientific philosophical debates about the nature of time and space, but in the interest of impartiality I’ve chosen to ignore them all and just make the rules up myself.

3. Scare some astronauts

Partly because I feel a bit sorry for everyone else who’s worked bloody hard for the space program and never got any credit, partly just because I think it’d be really funny to watch on the news, I’d give Neil and Buzz a bit of a fright.

I’d acquire a spaceship from the future, go back to 20:15 UTC on July 20th 1969, probably with a few beers, and hide behind a rock in Mare Tranquillitatis. Then, when Armstrong’s half way through his famous (yet misquoted) lines, I’d jump out and shout “Boo”. That’d give the conspiracy theorists something to talk about.

4. Sort the whole religion thing out

Lots of people believe lots of different things, and that’s cool with me. If everyone thought the same stuff I’d have no-one to argue with :) I’m personally torn between Simulism and The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Luckily the two are pretty much mutually compatible.

However, to settle the debate and stop all that awful killing business once and for all, I’d go back to t=0 and catch the bastard at it. Then I’d tell everyone. I’d probably be hung for blasphemy and no-one would believe me, but at least I tried.

5. Watch the end of the world

Assuming this is one of those time machines where you can tell it to travel forwards really fast until a couple of hours before the end of the world and then stop, that’s what I’d do.

After that, I’d probably be dead, so there’s not much more I can do. Serves me right for leaving the job to a lonely, emotionally challenged 10 year old cult member really.

What would you do with a time machine?